Virtually all cancer patients, have an unspoken dread of what the next round of tests will reveal. Perhaps the dread of scan day (and the terror of a bad result) is worse among the population of the survivors who have experienced remission than it is among those who are presently engaged in the fight with active disease. I have often seen a version of this fear expressed by those who don't wish to have their remission discussed for fear the cancer would return. I have even heard from those who contemplate suicide rather than face the heart break of a dis-confirmation. This phantom can, and has, been defeated but to do so it must be recognized for the dangerous impostor that it is.
I cannot recall ever seeing any writer's commentary on what I now refer to as SCAN DAY SYNDROME. I know from my personal experience just how real it is. I am now discovering that its prevalence is widespread among the cancer population. So much so that I think it is time that we, as a nation, brought this syndrome out of the dark closet and looked at it in the light of day. I firmly believe that a thorough exposure of this latent dread will reveal it as the humbug that it really is. The extent of this problem was called to my attention by a woman whom I had successfully mentored from a death prognosis to a complete remission. In a private message to me she told of being driven by fear to the firm conclusion that her cancer has returned. This is a very good idea of the dark side of Mind/Body medicine wherein images of death can conjure up very real symptoms that usually show up as aches and pains. In this message this woman even expresses the shame of failure that she has lost her remission and all this with the actual scan still several weeks in the future. This may be seen in the wording of two sentences from this message as follows:
"--Jerry, I am experiencing fear as the day of next my CT (lung) scan approaches in another month. I have had lots of pain in my shoulder and hip (especially at night). My throat is constantly inflamed and I have been having ear aches for months now. I have been trying to ignore these new developments in hopes they would go away. I fear the worst - that the cancer has returned and is not only in my lungs but bones and brain as well as I am plagued by headaches--"
My reply to this troubled woman was as follows:
To help you deal with these anxieties I would first like to assure you that you are not alone. This experience seems to be almost universal amongst cancer patients. I would like to share with you some of the darker side of my own experience. I sense that there is a relationship to what you are presently experiencing. I am beginning to think that many who read my book, THREE MONTHS TO LIFE, get the idea that I was a full speed ahead, positive thinker every step of the way. This is simply not true and if I have given that impression I may have done a disservice. I wrote in the introduction to the book that we are not heroes, just ordinary people drafted to fight in a war without our consent. Consequently we are all subject to those depths of fear that seem worse in the dark of night. I can remember that for the first couple of years after my "miracle", the approach of "scan day" filled me with unspoken dread. Every part of my body began to ache and I could scarcely get out of bed for dreading what the new day might bring. I am very familiar with the symptoms you describe for I have felt them all. Yes, even the headaches, made worse for me since I knew that rcc mets have a high tendency to go for the brain. In short, every four months for over 2 years brought a repeat of this nightmare scenario. I never fully spoke of these feelings, even to my wife. I suspect that if I had, even close friends would have got tired of hearing about it after the first few times.
I, of course, cannot assure you that you do not have recurrent cancer. Neither do these aches and pains prove that you do. Having said all that, I can tell you with confidence that my phantoms eventually evaporated with the dawning of a new day when I finally realized that they were just residual effects from an experience that must have had its source in the pit of hell. Along the way I began to realize that when I actually had a huge cancerous tumor growing inside my body it did not actually hurt. This realization allowed me to say to those pains, "You are not really cancer, just anxiety trying to keep me in your grasp for whatever evil purpose you are trying to serve".
In the interest of "knowing your enemy", it should be understood that there are two kinds of pain -anguish, which is the pain we feel and anxiety, the pain we fear. Fear, if well fed, can make the feared pains real. Were the pains and fears real? Yes, they were. Did they have the power to kill? Yes they did!. Did they kill me? No they did not, but they surely could have had I chosen to harbor them and let them control my life. I have had more than my fair share of both these kinds of pain and have seen them expressed in many cancer patients for whom I have served as mentor and I can assure you that both can be deadly and, of the two, anxiety is the more complex to manage. Those who say that fear cannot kill have never experienced it to the sustained depths that you and I have.
Anxiety simply must be managed and held in check. Hopefully, understanding if for the impostor that it is will be the means of neutralizing it. Many people find solace from fear in spiritual faith. I once heard a prominent man say that if you don't have a spiritual value system and you find out you have cancer, you had better get one because you are probably going to need it. My advice to patients in the grips of this fear would be to fill your mind with good material. Read good books, listen to good music and engage in a serious, organized, program of healing meditation. What do you have to lose besides your fears? There is no record in the gospels where Jesus ever healed cancer but if you will look in the gospel of John to verse 12 of chapter 14, I believe you will find it strongly implied that we are capable of doing so in His name. This is not the ranting of a TV evangelist but rather a caring glimpse into the depths of a human soul for the purpose of drawing out unheard of strength. During nights when the patient is unable to sleep, I suggest turning on the light and use the time to read through words of comfort at least until you find enough comfort to get you through the night. Take it one night at a time and then don't be surprised when you wake up one bright morning and discover that nothing is hurting.
I recall witnessing a humorous incident that occurred on a golf fairway near the back of my condo some years ago. It seems that there was this bald headed man lining up his second shot when a premature tee shot from the foursome behind him chanced to hit him right on top of that bald head opening up a flowing gash. My neighbor, who is a doctor, rushed out to attend him. When we got there, the old man was dazedly screaming, "I'm going to die, I'm going to die". When my friend tried to assure him by saying "You are not going to die" he angrily replied, "I know Goddamn well I am!!". Of course, he did not die as the wound was as superficial as it was dramatic. The point of the story is that when anxiety peaks out, reason flies out the window and reassurance becomes hard to accept. Keep this simple story in mind when the nest wave of anxiety rolls over you and perhaps it will help you keep your head above water until the wave recedes.
The woman of the message took this advice to heart and, as I had expected, the tests all turned out negative for cancer and, lo and behold, the pains immediately subsided. Months later, when the next round of scans approached, so did all these phantom symptoms try to come back, but she never let them simply would not give them shelter in her mind and body. They soon left altogether.
It is vitally important for all cancer patients to understand that the human immune cells are fearsome warriors and they are very much on your side. Never be afraid to trust happiness, especially when it is trying its best to light back on your shoulder like a beautiful butterfly.
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